20 Oct 2025

Loyalty, betrayal, and repair — a psychotherapist’s view

Milan Wells

Loyalty, betrayal, and repair — a psychotherapist’s view

Loyalty is one of the quiet anchors of intimate relationships. When it breaks — through an affair, a long pattern of secrecy, or chronic lying — the ground beneath both partners shifts. As a psychotherapist, I want to offer a compassionate, clear and practical look at why people betray trust, how to recognise two-faced behaviour, and what to do next: for individuals who were hurt, for people who cheated and want to change, and for couples deciding whether to stay or move on.

Loyalty is one of the quiet but powerful anchors of human connection. It gives relationships a sense of safety — the feeling that someone has our back even when life gets messy. When that anchor breaks, through an affair, chronic lying, or any form of deep betrayal, the emotional earthquake that follows can shake one’s sense of identity, safety, and trust in others.

As a psychotherapist, I’ve seen how betrayal creates two parallel stories — the visible one between partners, and the silent one inside each person. One partner struggles with shock, anger, and the collapse of certainty; the other may wrestle with guilt, shame, or confusion about their own actions and needs. Both are left standing on new and uncertain ground.

This article isn’t about blame or moralizing. It’s about understanding — the psychological patterns that lead to betrayal, the behaviours that reveal deeper fractures, and the realistic paths toward healing or separation. My goal is to bring clarity and compassion to a painful topic that touches almost everyone, directly or indirectly.

Whether you’ve been betrayed, have betrayed someone, or are simply trying to understand human loyalty more deeply, this reflection invites you to explore three essential questions:

Why does betrayal happen?
How can we recognize deception and protect our emotional integrity?
And is repair possible — and if so, what does it truly require?

Let’s begin not from judgment, but from curiosity and truth-telling — the two conditions without which neither love nor healing can survive.

Why do people cheat? (psychological reasons — not excuses)

Infidelity is complex. It rarely comes from one single cause. Here are common psychological and relational drivers, framed without judgement:

Unmet needs in the relationship Emotional distance, lack of intimacy, feeling unseen or unappreciated can push someone to look elsewhere for connection.
Emotional distance, lack of intimacy, feeling unseen or unappreciated can push someone to look elsewhere for connection.
Attachment patterns People with anxious or avoidant attachment styles may behave in ways that destabilize relationships (e.g., seeking reassurance outside, or fleeing when things get close).
People with anxious or avoidant attachment styles may behave in ways that destabilize relationships (e.g., seeking reassurance outside, or fleeing when things get close).
Identity and self-esteem issues Cheating can sometimes be a misguided attempt to prove desirability, regain self-worth after a setback, or feel youthful/desired.
Cheating can sometimes be a misguided attempt to prove desirability, regain self-worth after a setback, or feel youthful/desired.
Opportunity and impulsivity Situations that lower inhibitions (alcohol, travel, secrecy) plus poor impulse control increase risk.
Situations that lower inhibitions (alcohol, travel, secrecy) plus poor impulse control increase risk.
Unresolved personal trauma or histories Childhood attachment ruptures, earlier betrayals, or trauma can pattern adult behaviour unconsciously.
Childhood attachment ruptures, earlier betrayals, or trauma can pattern adult behaviour unconsciously.
Sexual incompatibility or curiosity Differences in libido, fantasies, or a desire for novelty can lead someone to seek outside sexual experiences.
Differences in libido, fantasies, or a desire for novelty can lead someone to seek outside sexual experiences.
Cultural/social normalization If someone’s social circle trivializes or models infidelity, it’s easier to rationalize it.
If someone’s social circle trivializes or models infidelity, it’s easier to rationalize it.
Gradual erosion rather than a single “fall” Many affairs begin as small boundary crossings (secrets, flirtation) that escalate when not addressed.
Many affairs begin as small boundary crossings (secrets, flirtation) that escalate when not addressed.

Important: None of the above justifies betrayal. They help explain causes — which is the first step toward repair or change.

Gendered myths — what psychotherapy sees

Popular narratives often simplify: “men cheat for sex, women for emotion.” Clinical reality is far more mixed. Both men and women cheat for emotional or sexual reasons, for identity needs, from impulsivity, or from situational factors. Focus on individual motives and patterns, not gender stereotypes. And often

And often — cheating isn’t really about the other person at all. It’s about escaping something inside. Many individuals step into affairs not because they truly desire another partner, but because they can’t face emptiness, rejection, or pain within themselves. Betrayal becomes a distorted attempt at self-regulation — a way to feel alive, desired, powerful, or momentarily free from emotional numbness.

In our time of instant gratification and digital distraction, attention itself has become a form of currency. The need to be seen, desired, and validated can override deeper values like loyalty and integrity. For some, cheating offers an adrenaline rush that compensates for low emotional energy, depression, or a sense of invisibility. It can be an unconscious rebellion against the monotony of routine or the weight of responsibility.

Others use infidelity as a misguided form of pain management — an attempt to numb what they cannot verbalize, to reassert control where they feel powerless, or to punish the partner they feel unseen by. These are not excuses, but patterns — evidence of unprocessed wounds, emotional immaturity, and spiritual fatigue.

Ultimately, infidelity is rarely about lust alone. It’s about disconnection — from self, from empathy, from the sacredness of commitment. Only by understanding this deeper layer can healing (or accountability) begin.

Two-faced people, liars, and what that behaviour means

“Two-faced” behaviour and chronic lying are different from a single poor choice. They often point to deeper issues:

Compartmentalization — the person separates parts of life and avoids integration (e.g., “I am honest at home, secret elsewhere”).
Fear of vulnerability — lying protects them from showing weakness or getting rejected.
Narcissistic patterns — persistent deceit to maintain an ideal self-image or manipulate others.
Pathological lying — an ingrained pattern where lying is almost automatic, sometimes independent of clear gain.
Survival strategies — in some family or cultural backgrounds, lying was adaptive to avoid punishment or shame.

Signs to watch for:

Repeated small lies that don’t add up.
Inconsistencies in stories or timelines.
Defensive anger when questioned.
Secretive phone/computer use, unexplained absences.
Attempts to gaslight (deny or minimize your reality).

“Two-faced” behaviour and chronic lying are not the same as a single poor choice or a moment of weakness. They often reveal deeper, long-term psychological structures — ways of surviving, hiding, or controlling emotional reality.

1. Compartmentalization

This is the ability (or defense mechanism) to split life into separate boxes: “I’m a good partner at home” versus “I’m someone else online.” The person keeps moral and emotional worlds apart to avoid internal conflict. Over time, this disconnection erodes authenticity — they stop feeling the dissonance between truth and lie.

2. Fear of Vulnerability

For many, lying is protection. If they reveal their true emotions, needs, or mistakes, they fear being rejected, shamed, or controlled. Deception becomes a wall: it hides fear but also blocks intimacy. These individuals often grew up in environments where honesty was punished or where emotional openness was unsafe.

3. Narcissistic and Manipulative Patterns

Chronic deceit can also serve ego preservation. The goal is to maintain a perfect image — to seem powerful, admirable, or innocent. The lie becomes a performance: “If you saw the real me, you’d leave.” This pattern is common in narcissistic or antisocial personality styles, where empathy is limited and relationships are used to regulate self-worth.

4. Pathological Lying (Pseudologia Fantastica)

Some people lie reflexively — stories evolve without clear motive or benefit. It’s not always conscious manipulation; it can be a deep psychological habit, rooted in identity confusion or dissociation. The person may even begin believing their own fabrications, blurring fantasy and fact to sustain a fragile sense of self.

5. Survival and Shame-Based Strategies

In some families or cultures, deception was adaptive — the only way to avoid punishment, humiliation, or chaos. As adults, these individuals continue lying automatically, even when the danger is gone. Their body associates honesty with threat. In therapy, these patterns are addressed with compassion, not only confrontation.

Common Signs of Two-Faced Behaviour

🔹 Repeated small lies that don’t add up — especially when exposed and instantly justified. 🔹 Inconsistencies in stories or timelines — details change depending on audience or context. 🔹 Defensive anger or exaggerated innocence — reacting strongly when questioned about trivial things. 🔹 Secretive digital habits — private browsers, deleted chats, locked apps, or double accounts. 🔹 Gaslighting patterns — denying facts you clearly observed, turning the focus back to your “jealousy” or “imagination.” 🔹 Social inconsistency — acting warm and empathetic in public but cold or dismissive in private. 🔹 Emotional disconnection — lack of guilt or reflection after being caught.

Clinical Insight

Two-faced behaviour thrives in emotional immaturity and fear — not necessarily evil intent. But when left unchecked, it becomes corrosive. Chronic deceit destroys safety, and without safety, no love or trust can grow.

In therapy, the work isn’t just about catching lies — it’s about helping a person face why they needed them in the first place. Healing begins when honesty becomes safer than illusion.

Immediate steps if you suspect betrayal or chronic dishonesty

(A psychotherapist’s guide to stabilizing yourself before reacting)

When betrayal surfaces — whether emotional, sexual, or financial — the shock can feel physical. Your body floods with adrenaline, cortisol, and confusion. In that state, people often do things they later regret: confrontation in rage, posting online, financial retaliation, or emotional collapse.

The goal of this phase is stabilization — protecting your physical, emotional, and financial safety so you can think clearly later.

1. 🛑 Pause and Secure Safety

The first step is not to get explanations — it’s to make sure you are safe. Safety has several layers:

• Physical safety: If there’s any chance of violence, coercion, or explosive confrontation, do not stay alone with the person. Leave temporarily, call someone, or contact authorities if needed. Even emotional abusers can escalate when exposed.

• Financial safety: Check joint accounts, credit cards, or shared assets. Betrayal sometimes overlaps with financial misuse — hidden debts, unauthorized withdrawals, or deceit around money. Make sure you have:

Access to your own funds.
Copies of important documents (IDs, contracts, shared bills).
A plan for temporary independence if needed.

• Emotional safety: Don’t expose yourself to endless arguments, blame, or manipulation right after discovery. The body needs time to calm before any meaningful dialogue can happen.

It’s okay to say:

“I’ve learned something that’s very painful. I need some time to process before we talk.”

That one boundary can prevent major harm.

2. 🧠 Gather Facts Calmly

Betrayal triggers intense emotional flooding — and the brain under stress seeks certainty at all costs. That’s why people start investigating, checking phones, replaying conversations.

The danger: in high emotional states, perception narrows and bias increases. You might interpret every ambiguous thing as proof.

So the rule is: gather data, not drama.

Note what you actually observed (messages, inconsistencies, receipts, behaviour).
Write down dates or facts, if you plan to confront or go to therapy.
Avoid speculation — “I think they…” is not the same as “I saw that…”

Why this matters: Betrayal recovery requires clarity, not revenge. Having facts helps you speak from grounded truth instead of reactive emotion later.

3. 💬 Manage Communication

When emotions run high, communication easily turns into verbal combat — which almost always deepens trauma and reduces the chance of truth or repair.

Instead, use “I statements” — a key therapeutic tool that shifts focus from blame to inner experience.

Examples:

“I feel deeply hurt and confused after discovering this.” “I noticed several inconsistencies and need honesty to move forward.” “I need time to decide what’s next.”

Avoid: ❌ “You destroyed everything.” ❌ “You’re a liar — I hate you.” ❌ “Tell me every detail now.”

These trigger defensiveness or shame spirals in the other person and make it nearly impossible to get clarity.

If the betrayer responds with gaslighting, anger, or guilt-tripping — end the conversation temporarily. You are not required to endure verbal chaos.

“We’ll talk when things are calmer. Right now, I need distance.”

This shows self-control — and paradoxically, often brings more truth later.

4. ⏸️ Limit Impulsive Decisions

In the acute phase, the emotional brain (amygdala) hijacks the rational brain (prefrontal cortex). That’s why people often:

Announce breakups online.
Throw out belongings.
Sign divorce papers or cancel shared accounts out of rage.
Confide in the wrong people, creating future complications.

The principle here: Don’t act while you’re still shaking. Even two to three nights of sleep can change your perception dramatically.

Avoid:

Public sharing (social media posts, family broadcasts).
Legal or financial actions under emotional pressure.
Demands for total confessions in one night — the nervous system can’t process it.

Give yourself breathing room — literally. Take a walk, cry, breathe deeply, journal. Emotional regulation first; decisions second.

5. 🤝 Seek Support

Betrayal isolates. Shame and confusion make people hide — yet isolation amplifies emotional pain.

Seek one or two grounded, trustworthy people to talk to. Not a crowd, not gossip, but true emotional anchors:

A close friend who won’t judge or inflame.
A therapist who can contain your feelings and guide your next steps.
A coach, mentor, or spiritual advisor with emotional maturity.

If there’s any risk of coercive control, manipulation, or financial abuse, reach out to a domestic violence or victim support service — even emotional betrayal can escalate into coercion.

Support provides perspective. When you’re hurt, your mind swings between denial and revenge. A calm, outside voice helps you make grounded, self-protective choices.

💡 Why These Steps Matter Psychologically

Every step above restores one key thing betrayal destroys: agency.

Betrayal makes people feel powerless, fooled, out of control. Each careful step — securing safety, pausing, naming facts, calming communication — reclaims self-regulation and dignity.

Healing begins not when the betrayer apologizes, but when you start protecting and centering yourself again.

If you were cheated on — routes and choices

There’s no single “right” choice. Options include separation, divorce, temporary separation to heal, or committed repair. Important principles:

Clarify your values and needs. What would you need to feel safe again? Transparency? Separation of finances? Therapy?
Require accountability. The person who betrayed trust must acknowledge harm, stop denying, and accept tangible consequences (no secrecy, open devices if that’s agreed, regular check-ins).
Commit to repair work. Repair is active: therapy (individual and/or couples), changed behavior, re-establishing boundaries, and rebuilding intimacy slowly.
Forgiveness is optional and gradual. Forgiveness is a process and does not mean forgetting or erasing the need for protection.
Protect your material and digital security. Change passwords, check financial accounts, monitor credit if misuse is possible.

cheated and want to change — responsibility + repair

Full accountability — no minimizing, blaming, or shifting. Admit facts, accept consequences.
Transparent communication — answer reasonable questions honestly (while respecting legal/privacy boundaries if children or third parties are involved).
Therapy — individual therapy to address motives, together with couples therapy to repair relationships.
Concrete behavioral changes — remove temptations, change routines, open digital transparency if partners agree, set clear boundaries.
Long-term humility — trust takes time. Show reliability in small things long before expecting big trust back.

How to rebuild trust — a roadmap (for couples that choose repair)

1. Safety First

Before anything else, basic safety must be restored — both emotional and practical. If there are ongoing lies, financial deceit, or emotional/physical abuse, healing cannot start. The first goal is to stabilize security:

Make sure harmful behavior has stopped.
Clarify boundaries (no hidden communication, no double life).
If needed, ensure financial or physical protection. Safety isn’t only about danger — it’s about emotional predictability. The betrayed partner must feel that the ground beneath them is steady again.

2. Truth and Limits

Trust cannot grow in fog. The betrayed partner usually needs to know the truth — not every detail, but enough to understand reality and stop mental spiraling. This should happen gently and in stages, ideally guided by a therapist. The betrayer must accept temporary restrictions or transparency agreements (e.g., shared phone access, check-ins) not as punishment, but as a scaffold for rebuilding trust. When handled with care, these limits create a safe space where honesty can finally take root.

3. Therapeutic Containment

A skilled therapist serves as a neutral container for strong emotions, preventing retraumatization. Without guidance, conversations about betrayal can quickly become chaotic or destructive. Therapy introduces pacing, fairness, and a structured space where both sides can express pain, guilt, and needs without escalating into blame. Containment allows healing to unfold in measured doses, so that truth and empathy can coexist.

4. Rituals of Repair

Trust isn’t rebuilt by promises — it’s rebuilt by repeated, consistent actions. Small, visible steps help rewire the nervous system to feel safe again. Examples include:

Keeping word on small things (“I’ll call you at 5” — and doing it).
Scheduled weekly “state of us” check-ins to share feelings and progress.
Rebuilding shared rituals — meals, walks, music — that signal reconnection. These behaviors may seem minor, but over time they retrain the brain to associate the partner with reliability rather than threat.

5. Reinvest in Connection

After crisis stabilization, the couple must slowly rebuild emotional and physical intimacy. This phase involves:

Honest empathy for each other’s pain.
Gentle physical closeness when both feel ready.
Positive shared experiences that remind both partners why they chose each other. This is not about “returning to normal” — it’s about creating a new, more authentic bond based on openness and mutual respect.

6. Grief Work

Even if the relationship survives, something real was lost — the sense of innocence, trust, and imagined future. Both partners, especially the betrayed one, need space to mourn. This isn’t weakness; it’s how the psyche integrates trauma. Naming and grieving these losses opens the door for post-traumatic growth — the possibility of deeper authenticity and compassion on the other side.

💠 Rebuilding trust is not about going back — it’s about moving forward with clearer eyes and deeper integrity.

When staying is not healthy

Repeated infidelity with no real change.
Ongoing lies, gaslighting, or coercive control.
Financial abuse or endangerment.
Physical or sexual abuse. In these cases, protecting yourself and planning an exit with support is a valid and appropriate choice.

Working with “two-faced” people — practical boundaries

Don’t negotiate on shaky ground. If someone lies repeatedly, treat promises skeptically until proven.
Set clear, enforceable boundaries (e.g., “If you’re secretive with finances, we separate accounts”).
Use transparency contracts in therapy (clear rules about disclosure for a season).
Do not become the fixer for someone who refuses to take responsibility; you can’t repair another’s personality for them.

Self-care and healing after betrayal

Give yourself permission to feel: shock, anger, shame, grief. Emotions are normal.
Avoid isolating. Reach out to trusted people or therapist.
Maintain routines that support wellbeing: sleep, food, movement, social contact.
Journal or use containment techniques (set a 20-minute worry time).
Consider support groups — many people find community healing.

Final thoughts (compassion + realism)

Betrayal and dishonesty cut deeply because they violate the very architecture of relational safety. As a psychotherapist I hold two truths together: the pain of the betrayed is real and deserving of care, and people are capable of change — but only with honesty, sustained work, and often professional help.

Whether you decide to leave, stay and rebuild, or set hard boundaries, make choices from a place of clarity and self-respect rather than shame or revenge. If you want, I can write this up into a shorter social-media post, a caption for Instagram, or a handout for clients about “What to do after you discover infidelity.” Which format do you prefer?

How to recognize a cheater — a psychotherapist’s guide

Important first rule: signs are indicators, not proof. One or two odd behaviours don’t equal betrayal. Look for patterns, inconsistencies, and changes from the person’s normal baseline. Below is a practical, clinical-minded list of signs, how to interpret them, and what to do next.

Common behavioural signs (watch for patterns)

Sudden secrecy around devices — password changes, new PINs, unusually guarded phone/tablet/laptop use, putting devices face-down, turning screens away.
Changes in digital habits — deleted message threads, new accounts, frequent private browsing, accounts logged in from unfamiliar locations.
Emotional distance — less emotional availability, less affection, fewer shared plans or conversations about the future.
Defensiveness when asked simple questions — anger, minimising, or counter-accusations instead of calm discussion.
Sudden changes in routine — unexplained late nights, frequent “work” meetings, trips, or new hobbies that don’t include you.
Inconsistencies in stories — different timelines, small lies that don’t line up, vague explanations.
Increased criticism of you — putting distance by blaming the partner (projection).
Sexual changes — either sudden increase (novelty-seeking) or decrease (avoidance) of intimacy.
Financial irregularities — unexplained withdrawals, joint-account surprises, secret expenses.
Over-attentive grooming or appearance shifts that don’t match context (sudden new interest in looks without reason).
Contacts pushed away — blocking or creating distance from people who previously connected you (friends, family).

Psychological red flags (beyond behaviour)

Chronic lying — a pattern of small lies that becomes a default.
Gaslighting — they deny your reality or make you doubt your observations.
Compartmentalization — they maintain separate lives and strongly resist integrating them.
Avoidant/impulsive patterns — repeated boundary violations, inability to sustain intimacy.

Things people often mistake for cheating

Stress, depression, or burnout (can cause withdrawal).
Midlife/identity crises or dissatisfaction that aren’t sexual affairs.
Social media “performing” or rekindling old friendships that are innocent. So always ask: Is this a shift in relationship connection or evidence of betrayal?

How to check your observations ethically and safely

Track patterns, not single events. Keep a calm note of dates/times/what changed.
Avoid snooping (reading private messages, installing spyware) — it damages trust and can escalate harm. It’s also risky legally.
Ask for facts, not accusations. Use neutral language: “I noticed X, can you help me understand?”
Use a safe setting for conversation — private, calm, not during an argument or when intoxicated.
Bring a witness or therapist if you fear strong emotional reactions or violence.

Phrase templates for confronting (non-explosive)

“I’ve noticed you’ve been distant and your schedule changed. I feel worried and would like to understand what’s happening.”
“When I see [specific behaviour], I feel [feeling]. Can you tell me what’s going on?”
“I’m not accusing you of anything, I just need clarity about some things that don’t add up.”

Avoid “you always/you never” or immediate demands for phone access unless you both agreed on transparency rules.

If your suspicion is confirmed

Prioritize safety (emotional and physical). If there’s coercion, abuse, or financial control, seek help first.
Decide boundaries: temporary separation, transparency contract, ending the relationship. Make clear, practical rules.
Seek professional help: individual therapy for both partners, and couples therapy if repair is chosen.
Protect finances & accounts: change passwords on your devices and financial institutions, monitor statements.

If it’s not confirmed — rebuilding or re-evaluating

Explore underlying problems (connection, unmet needs, patterns).
Consider therapy to address distance, communication breakdowns, or trauma histories.
Work on agreements around boundaries and transparency going forward.

Final clinical note

People cheat for varied, often painful reasons — not always because they “don’t care.” Still, repeated secrecy and deception are breaches of trust that require accountability. Your job (if you’re the betrayed) is to protect your emotional and practical wellbeing first, then decide whether repair is possible and safe.